quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
