Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
