I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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