I want to make a zoo with you.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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