Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
i just had sex bonerless
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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