I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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