The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
