omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize