all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
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