I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
