Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
