FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
