If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Randomize