This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
