I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
