just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize