Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
