I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
