I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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