we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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