I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
