i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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