If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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