I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
