do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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