all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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