I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
