he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
