My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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