I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
