I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
