so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
