Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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