No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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