Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
