did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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