Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
