she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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