I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
