the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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