You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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