im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
