i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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