Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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