In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
