The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
My hand turned me down
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize