I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
