Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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