my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
