MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
