Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize