Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Randomize
