the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
