You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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