Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize