I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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