Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
