you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Who died my cat blue again?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
