I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
