I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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