Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
