My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize