How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
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