We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
